Desire is born

Soon after i left, another army friend of mine, Anthony, asked me if i read the book rich dad poor dad. I said no. He said its by the famous author Robert Kiyosaki. I was pretty indifferent about it, i didnt know what it was about at all. So he dropped it. Another day he invited me to come down for a cashflow game. I didnt know what that was all about either. I was felt a bit of reluctance, when he mentioned we'll be playing with a group of people, at a friend's place. He told me the game teaches about assets and liabilities. I wasnt even sure what the word liability meant at the time. I was wondering if i'd make a fool out of myself. But it didnt stop me, i went anyway. So i went with Anthony, to this place that looked like a training center of some sort. And i saw this group of people sitting around, some of them seemingly new, like me. I was introduced to Anthony's sis, and her boyfriend. They were friendly.
And so i played the game. I was pretty blur, at the start and unwilling to do take chances until i saw people doing them. And i started to follow the actions of the other players, and understood what it was about, but it was too late for me to get out of the "rat race". At the end of the game, i realised how close to reality i played the game. I realised where i'd be years from now if i carried on spending money the way i did or even looked at money the way i always did. It really hit me when i realised i was going nowhere if i relied on a paycheck. I ended up learning more than i expected to. I actually gained something. I was given a gift, a gift of seeing where i was headed. I was glad i went for the game. I wanted to be able to get out of the ratrace very much.
So i went for more games. I was also introduced to the fact that they're actually doing networking too. Anthony told them abt my "Venture Era" experience. I explained i didnt like the method of direct selling, especially expensive goods to my own people, to make money. They invited me to take a look at what they were doing, because i wasnt against the industry.
I was given the book, rich dad poor dad, the night i played the game. I absolutely loved it. He was completely speaking about a mindset i never knew, it felt like he's telling me what i always wanted to know. He had me hanging on his words. I wanted more. When i finished the book, i really told myself, "I think this book is going to change my life." I was introduced to see another world on earth. Another world, a world not ruled by fear. A world i wanted to know much more about. A world i wanted to live in. I wanted to read all of his books.
And so it began, my quest for knowledge. It started with that one book. I read his other books, until now i've read 5 of his books, and i still want more. At one point, i was just thinking, and thinking for very long. I thought about all there was to digest. And i was soon looking at an option. An option between 2 worlds. I had to choose between fear and faith, "security", or freedom. That was the choice Robert spoke of. I felt something deep inside me that screams for freedom. But there were the shadows of doubt living inside me derived from all the fears of the people i have spent my life with. I thought about all the behaviours of the people i know, driven by fear. I could also see that the fear of not having money was driving everyone. And ironically that very fear was stopping them from having money as well. Because they didnt know money. But now i had known. How could i know and not do anything? I felt something deep within me change. I was at the Boon Keng MRT and this feeling just engulfed me. I dont know where it came from. I got emotional. I can only describe it like my core had changed. It was a pivotal moment. A moment i absolutely decided.

Meanwhile the desire for knowledge that gave birth introduced me to more knowledge, from other authors. I was beginning to invite new beliefs into my mind, the beliefs and thoughts of these successful men. I got such a desire to learn that i called up to attend free seminars. Which was very far from the me i always new. Thats also how i introduced myself to this brilliant man, Anthony Robbins. He's given me a lot, just from listening to him. And so my journey has begun. I am now finally in my life, holding the wheel. I'm no longer drifting, i'm driving. I'm not afraid of failing. Failing is better than drifting, and following a crowd driven by fear. I will fall, i will get back up, and i will go on. I now have a goal. I never had a vision of where i was headed. I do now. I see it with clarity. I see it with faith. I believe it.

Providence

I mentioned the ripple effect, i'll explain what it was for me. There's actually a real word for it, its called providence. Let me take it from the end of one meaningful phase of my life. I was jobless after ORDing from the army. I learnt a lot about being a man there, and realised its not all about being aggressive. I had become a man, and knew it, and that meant a lot. A lot of what i learnt in the army was of how far my body could go. I experienced things that nobody would do to strengthen themselves consiously, and learnt some things about myself. I learnt the meaning of integrity. There can be valuable lessons to be learnt when you're forced to suffer. You realise that you could actually go further than how much you actually imagined and mentally limited your ability. What you can do with your body relies in your mind. Its such a valuable lesson i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Because it cant be taught. When someone says "It's in the mind" to someone who hasn't experienced the meaning of that phrase it will only be a cliche'. There are somethings you can only teach yourself. And i'm grateful i was able to realise it for myself.

So i was finally free, free to decide. Decide what i am to do with the rest of life. Most of my life i was always drifting. Drifting. Honestly. Thats how i truly felt, i went where the wind blew. I went where it felt natural to go. I always believed in following your heart. But i wasnt really going anywhere. I was going nowhere fast. I didnt know where i really wanted to go, but i knew for sure wanted to do something i was passionate for. Work takes up a lot of most people's time, and if you're going to do a job you hate, what's your life to become? This is how i was thinking, and i still do. Life should mean more. I never gave in to fear of security and signed on. I've always had more faith in myself than that. Even when i didnt have much self esteem, i still had faith. Maybe thats why i was able to break away. And now i have both. And more. I have a belief.

I was losing, i was going nowhere even faster. My source of income disappeared, my expenses didnt. In fact my girlfriend expected me to support her. Maybe she thought i had a bank account to fall back on. Sure i did. My bank acount had like only 1000. And it went much below 500 after 2 months. I only started saving harder towards the end of my service, when i realised i was drifting towards a waterfall. My service was shortened by 2 months, but thats no excuse. If i was responsible with my finances, 2 years would have been more than enough, to have a bank account to fall back on. But i wasnt responsible, i was in the comfort zone. I wanted to enjoy the money i did so much to earn. Wasnt i entitled to? Sure i was. Its just that no one was entitled to be responsible for my financial well being but myself. So it was taken away from me. Someone moved my cheese. Most of my army brothers had plans to further their studies overseas or locally. After my time in the army, i actually felt like i missed studying. I also realised how i took my polytechnic education for granted, and would've liked to make it count with another shot. I was thinking of working part time and studying part time for a period, and later thinking of joining the teaching career. I have a passion for teaching, because i have a belief in communication. But something happened that removed the journey i was about to embark on, which was teaching. It was the ripple.

I was introduced by a commando friend, William, to an mlm company. I never had an experience with the industry, so i didnt have a perception to judge without seeing for myself. I was told it was a marketing/sales job, and so i went to meet him. I was absolutely drained of money at the time, and i gave him a chance, although a friend discouraged me. I went, i saw a system i never knew about, i developed a belief, i learnt some things, witnessed some strange behaviour, and i even "sold" something to my ex girlfriend. But it didnt feel right. William could sense i wasn't too elated, and told me, "Hey bro, you just closed you first deal! You should be happy!" Yeah maybe i should've. But i felt guilty instead, because my ex informed me that they bought it even though they didnt have much money because it was me, and because William was so sincerely persistent.
So i left, even though it was an industry that could make me wealthy, if i was willing to do what was required. But it just didnt feel right. In a way felt like taking money from my own people to get rich. But that apparent big mistake, or total waste of time and money, was actually the tiny rock that led me to my journey of aquiring knowledge. I now have a deep desire for knowledge and learning that i never in my life really had. How it did form? To be continued...

The Beginning

Well. Finally i've started a blog. A simple journal, what i want.

I used to write a journal... When i was a teen. Its enjoyable. Its self expression, and its special especially when you have few to truly speak freely to. Even now, there are few i can freely speak to. There are somethings you can share with a person and somethings you cant. I dont mean secrets. I mean even opinions. Which i took a long time to realise. I used to be very self opinionated, well i still am, but there's a fine line between being self opinionated and tactless. I never felt i was tactless though. In fact i knew i wasnt. I was just undiplomatic. I felt saying it like it is and being frank is something to be proud of. I no longer see it that way. I realise if you tell someone the truth in a language he doesnt understand it will not matter, no matter how true it is, how right you are. I've learnt a lot about human relations mostly lately and a lot of things that confused me and felt unfair before make sense to me now. At least in relationships.

I partially stopped writing because there never really was a secure place to keep it. And partially because i told myself to stop writing until i got a life. Well i now i have a life. Actually i've had a life ever since Aug 21st 1982. I just saw it differently as a teen. I see things very differently now, even compared to how i saw things a year ago.

I've learnt lots in the past few months. I feel i've learnt more important things in this period of time than i think i ever really have. It probably has to do with the fact that i chose to learn these things out of my own curiosity, and wasnt fed, like i was most of my life. Being fed what to do, how to feel, how to behave, where to go, what to want, even. And i realise theres so much information being fed to us every single day to govern how we think. Televison, radio, the web, friends, enemies, everywhere. Everyone's just selling an idea, really. Which was sold to them. The same people who say they dont like getting brainwashed go home, turn on their televison sets to experience just that.

So whats my point? My point is, maybe most of us are not truly as sovereign as we think, or claim to be. Even the ones that act like they're different. Just because you're not buying into mainstream doesnt mean you're not buying. We're all buying something. But is that good or bad? I dont think thats what its about. A truly internally framed induvidual may never understand others, and one externally governed may never understand himself. Whichever we find more tragic, i think we all move away from, which is why i believe i was more of the internally framed person before. Did i just come up with a theory here? But im trying to find a balance, because thats what i now believe its all really about.

This is not what i actually intended to write about, but hey it just flowed. And maybe its fitting after all. With all the tons of blogs out there people trying to advertise themselves, arent i just one of them? And if i say i'm not, arent i selling you the whole non-conformist propaganda? Here i go again. But how many of our decisions are truly made by our ourselves, our own values, uninfluenced by the masses out there? Even our values can get influenced by the masses. There is no correct answer. If there isnt, isnt this just philosophy? But i thought i just came up with a psychology theory in the last paragraph. Its not the answer, because the answer is who you want to be. And i now know who i want to be. I see that on either sides, what you get and give is very limited. Thats why i seek balance, to be centered. I'm still far from it.

This blog is up because i want to keep track of myself, again, like i used to. When i read my old journal, i think to myself how immature i was, and laugh. And i could only see that years later. I feel more mature than i was maybe even one year ago. But a few years from now when i read this i may find this immature too. And i'd like to. That would mean i've grown. Which means a lot to me. The last thing i want to be is stagnant. I dont want to be one of those people who act like they know it all, and really have grown little over the years, and stop growing because they think they know enough of the world, and how it works. Even worse, some go around telling people how to live, even though they themselves dont know how to. I want to see for myself how i grow, because something inside me has changed, my core has changed. I'm convinced that i've experienced a ripple effect. Like how you drop a tiny rock into a pond and you get waves in all directions? How one small thing sets up everything in motion? I feel that tiny rock, has been dropped.