The Beginning
Well. Finally i've started a blog. A simple journal, what i want.
I used to write a journal... When i was a teen. Its enjoyable. Its self expression, and its special especially when you have few to truly speak freely to. Even now, there are few i can freely speak to. There are somethings you can share with a person and somethings you cant. I dont mean secrets. I mean even opinions. Which i took a long time to realise. I used to be very self opinionated, well i still am, but there's a fine line between being self opinionated and tactless. I never felt i was tactless though. In fact i knew i wasnt. I was just undiplomatic. I felt saying it like it is and being frank is something to be proud of. I no longer see it that way. I realise if you tell someone the truth in a language he doesnt understand it will not matter, no matter how true it is, how right you are. I've learnt a lot about human relations mostly lately and a lot of things that confused me and felt unfair before make sense to me now. At least in relationships.
I partially stopped writing because there never really was a secure place to keep it. And partially because i told myself to stop writing until i got a life. Well i now i have a life. Actually i've had a life ever since Aug 21st 1982. I just saw it differently as a teen. I see things very differently now, even compared to how i saw things a year ago.
I've learnt lots in the past few months. I feel i've learnt more important things in this period of time than i think i ever really have. It probably has to do with the fact that i chose to learn these things out of my own curiosity, and wasnt fed, like i was most of my life. Being fed what to do, how to feel, how to behave, where to go, what to want, even. And i realise theres so much information being fed to us every single day to govern how we think. Televison, radio, the web, friends, enemies, everywhere. Everyone's just selling an idea, really. Which was sold to them. The same people who say they dont like getting brainwashed go home, turn on their televison sets to experience just that.
So whats my point? My point is, maybe most of us are not truly as sovereign as we think, or claim to be. Even the ones that act like they're different. Just because you're not buying into mainstream doesnt mean you're not buying. We're all buying something. But is that good or bad? I dont think thats what its about. A truly internally framed induvidual may never understand others, and one externally governed may never understand himself. Whichever we find more tragic, i think we all move away from, which is why i believe i was more of the internally framed person before. Did i just come up with a theory here? But im trying to find a balance, because thats what i now believe its all really about.
This is not what i actually intended to write about, but hey it just flowed. And maybe its fitting after all. With all the tons of blogs out there people trying to advertise themselves, arent i just one of them? And if i say i'm not, arent i selling you the whole non-conformist propaganda? Here i go again. But how many of our decisions are truly made by our ourselves, our own values, uninfluenced by the masses out there? Even our values can get influenced by the masses. There is no correct answer. If there isnt, isnt this just philosophy? But i thought i just came up with a psychology theory in the last paragraph. Its not the answer, because the answer is who you want to be. And i now know who i want to be. I see that on either sides, what you get and give is very limited. Thats why i seek balance, to be centered. I'm still far from it.
This blog is up because i want to keep track of myself, again, like i used to. When i read my old journal, i think to myself how immature i was, and laugh. And i could only see that years later. I feel more mature than i was maybe even one year ago. But a few years from now when i read this i may find this immature too. And i'd like to. That would mean i've grown. Which means a lot to me. The last thing i want to be is stagnant. I dont want to be one of those people who act like they know it all, and really have grown little over the years, and stop growing because they think they know enough of the world, and how it works. Even worse, some go around telling people how to live, even though they themselves dont know how to. I want to see for myself how i grow, because something inside me has changed, my core has changed. I'm convinced that i've experienced a ripple effect. Like how you drop a tiny rock into a pond and you get waves in all directions? How one small thing sets up everything in motion? I feel that tiny rock, has been dropped.
I used to write a journal... When i was a teen. Its enjoyable. Its self expression, and its special especially when you have few to truly speak freely to. Even now, there are few i can freely speak to. There are somethings you can share with a person and somethings you cant. I dont mean secrets. I mean even opinions. Which i took a long time to realise. I used to be very self opinionated, well i still am, but there's a fine line between being self opinionated and tactless. I never felt i was tactless though. In fact i knew i wasnt. I was just undiplomatic. I felt saying it like it is and being frank is something to be proud of. I no longer see it that way. I realise if you tell someone the truth in a language he doesnt understand it will not matter, no matter how true it is, how right you are. I've learnt a lot about human relations mostly lately and a lot of things that confused me and felt unfair before make sense to me now. At least in relationships.
I partially stopped writing because there never really was a secure place to keep it. And partially because i told myself to stop writing until i got a life. Well i now i have a life. Actually i've had a life ever since Aug 21st 1982. I just saw it differently as a teen. I see things very differently now, even compared to how i saw things a year ago.
I've learnt lots in the past few months. I feel i've learnt more important things in this period of time than i think i ever really have. It probably has to do with the fact that i chose to learn these things out of my own curiosity, and wasnt fed, like i was most of my life. Being fed what to do, how to feel, how to behave, where to go, what to want, even. And i realise theres so much information being fed to us every single day to govern how we think. Televison, radio, the web, friends, enemies, everywhere. Everyone's just selling an idea, really. Which was sold to them. The same people who say they dont like getting brainwashed go home, turn on their televison sets to experience just that.
So whats my point? My point is, maybe most of us are not truly as sovereign as we think, or claim to be. Even the ones that act like they're different. Just because you're not buying into mainstream doesnt mean you're not buying. We're all buying something. But is that good or bad? I dont think thats what its about. A truly internally framed induvidual may never understand others, and one externally governed may never understand himself. Whichever we find more tragic, i think we all move away from, which is why i believe i was more of the internally framed person before. Did i just come up with a theory here? But im trying to find a balance, because thats what i now believe its all really about.
This is not what i actually intended to write about, but hey it just flowed. And maybe its fitting after all. With all the tons of blogs out there people trying to advertise themselves, arent i just one of them? And if i say i'm not, arent i selling you the whole non-conformist propaganda? Here i go again. But how many of our decisions are truly made by our ourselves, our own values, uninfluenced by the masses out there? Even our values can get influenced by the masses. There is no correct answer. If there isnt, isnt this just philosophy? But i thought i just came up with a psychology theory in the last paragraph. Its not the answer, because the answer is who you want to be. And i now know who i want to be. I see that on either sides, what you get and give is very limited. Thats why i seek balance, to be centered. I'm still far from it.
This blog is up because i want to keep track of myself, again, like i used to. When i read my old journal, i think to myself how immature i was, and laugh. And i could only see that years later. I feel more mature than i was maybe even one year ago. But a few years from now when i read this i may find this immature too. And i'd like to. That would mean i've grown. Which means a lot to me. The last thing i want to be is stagnant. I dont want to be one of those people who act like they know it all, and really have grown little over the years, and stop growing because they think they know enough of the world, and how it works. Even worse, some go around telling people how to live, even though they themselves dont know how to. I want to see for myself how i grow, because something inside me has changed, my core has changed. I'm convinced that i've experienced a ripple effect. Like how you drop a tiny rock into a pond and you get waves in all directions? How one small thing sets up everything in motion? I feel that tiny rock, has been dropped.
posted by reDeFyne @ 9:55 PM
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